Author--Larry Webb

Conspiracy Theory 101
Larry Webb

I can’t’ help it, but I love conspiracy theories—always have. I find it hilarious so many people actually believe them. 

Some of my favorites are: the earth is flat, not round; global warming is espoused for financial reasons, not science; Sandy Hook was a hoax used to promote gun control—tell that to all those parents who buried their children; vaccinations cause autism; Lyndon Johnson arranged JFK’s murder; the Oklahoma City bombing was a ploy hatched by the US Government to distract the public from a scandal involving President Clinton; Marilyn Monroe didn’t really commit suicide, because Bobby Kennedy arranged for her to be murdered; and my all-time favorite, the chemtrail conspiracy theory.  

Now, let’s face it. The chemtrail theory is a hoot. People really think all of those high flying airplanes are loaded up with chemicals. As the planes soar high overhead, according to Wikipedia, people, “…speculate that they are solar radiation management, weather modification, psychological manipulation, human population control, or biological or chemical warfare and that the trails are causing respiratory illnesses and other health problems.”

At that point, Wikipedia goes on and debunks the entire theory with all kinds of logical and rational facts. Horrors! Someone would actually use facts? SAD! 

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I’m so old that I served in the USAF not too long after the advent of the jet engines used in what was then, modern day aircraft. Obviously, they weren’t ‘brand new’ at the time, but they were, shall we say, a relatively recent phenomenon. I was in the Air Weather Service, so I spent about half my time in control towers, watching airplanes, looking at clouds, weather patterns, etc. Therefore, I have decided I have enough experience that I should be able to develop my own hoax regarding contrails. 

Since hoards of people believe the theory that chemtrails, which, incidentally, appear naturally just like clouds, are destroying our atmosphere, I might as well capitalize on their ignorance. So, let me make it clear, in case you haven’t noticed, in most cases chemtrails disperse quickly, and, according to the conspiracy, those which have been laced with all kinds of nefarious substances, don’t. 

Those are the ones which I plan to capitalize on. Also, please ignore the little detail of how upper-air wind speeds determine the rapidity of how fast contrails disperse. I wouldn’t want to confuse the issue with anything resembling fact.

So, the question becomes, “How can I use chemtrails to reduce the current population of so many stupid people?” 

Maybe I could use my fantastic mechanical and scientific skills, by developing something to scorch the earth with my genius. I need to create something that I can treat the atmosphere with that will eliminate ignorance once and for all. Sound like a plan?

So, what is it I could come up with? One possibility is, I could create something that will breed an excess of predatory wild animals like lions, tigers, boa constrictors, and others of that ilk which will seek out stupid people and eliminate them? Nah, that might not work— especially for me. They might read the paperwork wrong and flip-flop my 86 IQ to 68, and I’d get caught up in their cleansing efforts. Don’t want that. Nope.
So, what am I gonna do? 

Hold on. I’ve been thinking. Maybe my whole plan is as stupid the typical conspiracy theory phenomenon, and I’m going at this all wrong. Perhaps I should pursue developing a relatively unknown concept—like a factoid that people could actually use and benefit from. That would be different. And, come to think of it, maybe I already have the perfect concept in mind. For some reason or the other, the medical community has not been spreading the actual data which proves that chocolate is a health food and as much should be consumed as possible and as often. Most people, which includes my poor, uninformed doctor, just don’t understand the facts. For instance, I still remember him rolling his eyes when I explained the concept to him.

To make it as simple and easy as I can, so the majority of you in the audience can understand the situation, chocolate is made from cacao beans. As we all know, beans are vegetables. Are you getting the picture yet? Vegetables are extremely healthy. Ergo, the more chocolate you eat, the healthier you will become. It’s as simple as that.

I don’t intend to give you a complete list of possibilities; after all, I want to leave some of it to your own ingenuity, imagination, and creativity. However, let’s do begin with some easy ones. For starters, when you make your coffee in the morning, drop two chocolate kisses in your first cup. Experiment. Do you need three? Will one and a half be sufficient? Go for whatever works. Personally, I’m up to four.

Another healthy entrée you might try is chocolate pizza. Start with an all-meat and cheese pizza, and sprinkle it with about a half bag of chocolate chips. Do this with an already pre-cooked and warm pizza. Then, slip it in the oven on “Broil” for five minutes or so until the chocolate starts oozing over the sides of the pizza and bubbles on the cookie sheet.

Chocolate soup; chocolate stew; broccoli and cauliflower laced with liquid chocolate. The list is endless and dependent solely upon your mind's eye.

Do you want to carry this new concept even further? How about you make your own chocolate from fresh cacao beans? It really is a simple five-to-seven-step process depending on the recipe. 

Ma Google has numerous videos and techniques for your convenience. So, take this example from Chocolate Alchemy as an example. You start out by roasting your cocoa beans. According to them, you want to do this about a day before you’re ready to complete the task. 

Roasting cocoa beans will make anyone else in the house think you are baking brownies. 

After the beans have cooled for a day, you have to crack them. There are numerous ways to do this. Check the various sources to see which method would be best for you. Keep in mind that when you use the hair blower to rid the mixture of the husks, it’s messy. This step might be best done outdoors.

Obviously, there are numerous other steps to the process, and if this seems like something you might like to try, you need to do some research.

The whole point becomes, how involved do you want to be in protecting and providing for your own health? Would you rather believe a bunch of stupid conspiracy theories and spend your life looking over your shoulder for potential villains? Or, would you rather be that organic farmer who grows your own cacao beans in the front yard—which is guaranteed to bug all of your neighbors? 

If growing your own beans is too much like work, you can still be that connoisseur who creates your own delicacies from store bought amenities. It doesn’t matter. The point is you need to reduce your stress and treat yourself to a better lifestyle by ignoring the conspiracy theory hoaxes, and beginning a new life filled with chocolate.

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Really Short Shorts is a compilation of forty short stories—most ranging from four to six pages. There is a wide range of topics included. Most of the stories deal with people--from little kids to seniors. Most of them involve some humor. Some are pure fantasy, others are more serious. Keep in mind that my ultimate goal in writing is to entertain myself. If you enjoy my stories, then that's a plus. Read and enjoy.
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Reading the obituary, naming his father as a dead man’s estranged son, left Ryan speechless. Who was this man, and why hadn’t he and his brother Rayden ever even heard of him? Because of this incident, the boys come to realize they know nothing of their father’s childhood. Why? Therein lies the title, Tell Me Why.

When growing up in a happy, stable home, sometimes one never thinks of oddities. For the Miller boys, the fact that their last names and those of their grandmother and dad’s brother were different never occurred to them. That’s just the way it always had been. Sometimes, a jarring episode changes things.

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